Wednesday 29 April 2020
1. Connected sex
It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, connected sex has lasting, transformative powers. It starts with playful touching, followed by a prolonged session of gentle caressing. You hit every foreplay note you know your partner responds to. You make eye contact whenever possible, and every time you inhale, you remember how much you love the way your boyfriend or girlfriend smells. You might even giggle a few times out of pure joy. When penetration happens, it seems like your parts fit together so precisely, you wonder if the other person was custom built just for you. Your hole is his home. Your bodies don’t rub against each other so much as they glide, your limbs and torsos covered in a delicious layer of his-and-hers sweat. You switch positions a few times and you moan and groan as often and as loudly as this truly awesome manifestation of your most basic instinct demands throughout. If your orgasms don’t arrive at exactly the same time, they definitely overlap, one person’s climax beckoning the other’s.
2. Detached intercourse
On the other end of the spectrum, you’re both exhausted and/or highly irritated with each other. But you’re also both incredibly horny. So you commit to going through the motions even though neither of you is exactly present, or inspired. You bop up and down robotically, barely touching each other’s familiar bodies, driven towards separate but equal orgasmic goals. It’s not that you don’t care about your partner, but you’re definitely more invested in your own satisfaction in this scenario.
3. Naughty nookie
There’s no better way to forge an unbreakable bond than to get blackmail worthy weird together. If you can do this without the help of everyone’s favorite social lubricant, more power to you, but booze is generally helpful in actualizing devilishly dirty fantasies. Whether you say yes to that extra cocktail after dinner, or you decide there’s no reason you can’t play several rounds of beer pong at home just because you’re not in college anymore, getting wasted as a duo can be a great way for both of you to get what you secretly want in bed. The alcohol lets you say and do all the things you’ve been pining to since the last time you got so inebriated. Just be sure to nominate one person to play Buzz Patrol, lest you get too drunk and pass out before the fleshy fun can start.
4. Christening coitus
This is not the type of sex you have in the confessional chamber at church during your nephew’s baptism, though it can be if you’d like. Christening sex generally refers to the act of marking your new territory as a couple. You can’t move into a new home together without having sex on the floor, on top of the kitchen counter, or in some odd little nook that will soon be occupied by a large piece furniture, making fornication in the area a special, time-sensitive opportunity.
5. Whoopee on the sly
You’re bound to face a few situations when copulating seems virtually impossible. Family reunions, theme parks, group camping trips, and daytime picnics all pose a threat to your ability to have sex whenever you want. But if you’re equally resolute about making it happen, the challenge can prove rewarding. Together, you seek out the one tree on the opposite side of the field that provides just enough cover, the one room with a door that locks at your grandparents’ house, or the single unoccupied tent. You keep most of your clothes on if necessary, but it’s glorious regardless.
6. Quickies
Like instant coffee and packaged frozen meals, quick fix sex usually pales in comparison to its time-consuming counterpart. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary on occasion, or that it can’t be satisfying. Sometimes, it’s okay to think of your partner as a drive through window for sexual fulfillment. You can’t always be bothered to let the soup simmer for hours on end.
7. Milestone necessitated mating
Some moments call for sex, whether you’re in the mood for it or not. For instance, on the day you get engaged, married, or discover you’re pregnant (assuming you want to be), it’s wise to fit sex into the agenda because most events are instantly more memorable if you can associate them with some naked play. EVery job promotion, school acceptance, and noteworthy holiday is also worth adding to the list of sex necessary occasions.
8. Make-up sex
The battle is over and you’re definitely wounded, but mostly grateful to be alive—as an individual, but more so as a couple. You’ve gotten through one more struggle together, which proves just how well you’re suited to each other. The only thing to do with the residue of aggression is transform it into passionate sexual energy. So you attack each other, tear each other’s clothes off just as ridiculously as they do in the movies, and engage in rapturous lovemaking, thereby resealing your undying commitment—at least until the next major issue arises.
9. Pity driven boinking
When one person in a relationship is having a particularly terrible, no-good, very bad day (because they’re injured or they failed a test or they tanked during a presentation at work) and the other is having an average-to-spectacular day, your mindsets are destined to be misaligned temporarily. In this case, the contented party faces two options: 1.) They can wallow in defeat right alongside their partner, eating junk food while watching movies you’ve both seen so many times that they require zero brain power to follow, or 2.) They can fuck the sad right out of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Sex happens to be a great way to lift a person’s spirits. It might take some coaxing, but you’re likely to get a good reaction eventually, no matter how resistant to affection your partner seems at first.
10. Long-lost lovemaking
Sure, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also drives your libido into a serious state of frenzy. The longer you deprive yourself of something altogether, the more you thirst for it. Once you experience the awesomeness of mind-blowing sex (or chocolate), you can only abstain from it for so long before the intense cravings set in. Any reunion between lovers following an unexpected or prolonged absence should be marked by sex as gratifying as that first bite of red velvet cake after a lengthy spell of eating way too healthy.